Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Potty Talk: The Stall Next Door

I can only imagine what other restroom goers think of what they can hear of our shenanigans one stall over.

I often hear chuckles, and even on occasion out right laughter.

Let me set the scene for you:
We parade through the restaurant in search of the restroom amid a chorus of "No, No. This way. Shh!Walking feet, please. Shh!  Wait for me!” 

Once the door opens I begin the mantra “All the way to the end.  No, No... All the way to the end. Come on boys, all the way to the end.” I apparently like to repeat myself. A lot.

Once we are there and the bolt is slid home that’s apparently the signal to go wild.
Here's how it went a few nights ago:
The boys:  "I want to go first! No ME! No, I am going first."
Me: "Quick!  Pull your pants down!"  "First one down wins!"

On a side note I don't know where this whole win thing came from, but it has taken over.  Everything is a competition.  They always want to win, and beat each other.  Which makes for fodder all on it's own when Ryan for example shouts in a restaurant "NO MOMMY!!  DON'T BEAT ME!!!"  By which he meant he wanted me to let him drink all his milk before I finished mine.  But I digress... Back to the potty...

On this particular night Ryan won, so I plop him on the potty.  Connor, slightly miffed that he didn’t get to go first waddles with his pants around his ankles around to the side of the potty and locates the flusher. And flushes.

Cue mom – “No, Connor we aren’t ready to flush the potty yet” And Ryan’s more aggrieved “Connor! Don’t flush me down the potty!”

And then the verbal marathon starts:
Ryan – point down. Connor, I said no. Ryan – watch what you are doing! POINT DOWN. Connor quit flushing! We only flush when we are done. Ryan – do you need to poop? Connor don’t touch the trash can. Are you sure? Then here, wipe.

At which point it should be 1 down, one to go right?  Oh no... It's never that simple.

Ry: But I want to get my own toilet paper!
Me: Just use this.
Ry: But, I wanted the big one (indicating the big roll vs the smaller roll)!
Me: It's all the same.  It's just toilet paper.
Ry:  But why is that one bigger?
Me: [mutters some logical answer relating to people's preferences]  Connor!  Yucky!  Don't touch that!
Ry: But why do people like that one better?
Me: [produces some insanely far fetched reason why people could possibly like one roll of the exact same toilet paper better than another in the hopes of ending the conversation]

At which point the woman next door chokes on a laugh.

After more flushing angst - "I was supposed to flush it!  It wasn't your turn!"  we finally manage to get Connor on the potty while I attempt to get Ryan dressed again, while extorting to Connor not to fall in, and point down, and quit touching that, and hold still, and put your foot in, and no you can't flush until you put something IN the potty!

At which point we get to the poop question again... "Connor do you need to poop? No Mommy!  I don’t have to poop ALL day EVERY day."

Followed by more flushing, more admonitions about touching, and more hold still so I can help yous!

It's always an adventure...

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