Call 991, or 911, or whomever it is you call when your elf has gone missing.
Operator: "What is your emergency?"
Us: "Our Elf is missing."
O: "Your ... elf... did you say?"
U: "Yes. Our elf. His name is Elfie."
O: "And Elfie is an ... elf? Like from the ... North Pole?"
U: "Yes, an elf from the North Pole. But he was supposed to come stay with us until Christmas. He never made it."
O: "But you are sure he left... the North Pole?"
U: "Well, no... He doesn't call ahead or anything, but he should be here by now."
O: "Because elves from the North Pole come to .... visit.... you often?
U: "Of course he does. Who else is going to tell Santa if we are Naughty or Nice??"
O: "Because this missing ... elf ... from the ... North Pole... tells ... Santa... if you have been Good or not."
U: "Yes. But he's missing!"
O: "Well, when did you last see him?"
U: "Last Christmas Day when I frantically shoved him at my husband and said "GET RID OF HIM! QUICK! Before the kids see him!"